Taught by Pastor Brandon Sereg, Lead Pastor of Vibrant Church in Davie, FL.
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The Message in One Sentence
Every couple fights. The difference between couples who make it and couples who do not is whether they agreed on the rules in peace time — because if you try to set the rules of engagement in the middle of the fight, you will fail.
The Bible Is Not Squeamish About This
Song of Solomon gives one chapter to the intimate details of the honeymoon night — and two chapters to the couple’s first fight. If you have ever wondered whether Scripture understands real marriage, that ratio should answer it.
In the poem she says, “I slept, but my heart was awake.” What follows is a fight, told in poetry: he is gone before she gets to the door, she goes out looking, she calls and gets no answer, and it costs her something to go find him. The first thing she does is decide the relationship has to be made right. That instinct is the whole message.
Know Who the Enemy Actually Is
You have a real enemy — and that enemy wants you to believe the enemy is your spouse. He wants married people to believe marriage itself is the constraint, and single people to believe God’s design is the problem. The moment the fight becomes me versus you instead of us versus the issue, he has already won the round.
One Practical Tool: The Stick
Here is a rule we were taught and use: whoever holds the stick is the one who gets to talk. Joanna gets the stick first — every time. She shares all of her thoughts and all of her feelings, and I do not get to respond. I just listen. Then she hands it over.
It sounds silly until you try it. Most fights are two people waiting to talk, not two people listening.
Six Rules to Agree On in Peace Time
Agree to these before war time comes. They are not original to me, and they will transform your relationship if you actually keep them.
- No name calling. This is what Satan does — he takes what you did and attaches it to who you are. You did not just lie; you are a liar. You struggled with alcohol; you are an alcoholic. If it sticks to your identity, you stay stuck there. When we name call, we are handing him a microphone.
- Never raise your voice. James says the anger of man does not produce the righteousness God requires (James 1:20). Nobody has ever been raged into repentance. A raised tone makes it me versus you instead of us versus the issue. (Parents: the exception is a toddler headed for traffic.)
- Never get historical. “Love keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5). When one person can excavate ten years of offenses, you have created a culture that punishes admitting fault — because every confession just becomes another rock in the bag, saved for a convenient moment.
- Never say “never” or “always.” “You never…” “You always…” It is not true. It might be common, but it is not always — and once again it welds the behavior to their identity.
- Never threaten divorce. Covenant means I will do my part even if you do not. Are there biblical grounds for divorce? Absolutely. Are there also biblical grounds for forgiveness? Absolutely. Divorce should be a last resort, never a first option, and it should not be on the table before you have sat down with pastors and counselors.
- Never quote your pastor in a fight. Leave me out of it. Send me the picture from your date night. Do not use me as ammunition.
James sums the whole thing up: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19).
The Choice Underneath Every Fight
You will have many opportunities to be offended. In each one you either pick the offense up or lay it down. Sometimes it hurts — sometimes a lot — and they might not even be sorry yet. But unforgiveness costs you more than it costs them.
Here is the reason it is possible at all: I did not deserve to be forgiven by God, and the offense I gave Him is far greater than the offense given to me.
Your Next Step
Pick one rule and agree on it this week, out loud, while nobody is angry. If you want to keep building on this, join us Sundays at 10:00 and 11:30 AM in Davie, or watch online.
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