You Asked For It: Dating, Singleness, Marriage & Divorce

Paul does not treat singleness as a waiting room. He writes that an unmarried woman can be devoted to the Lord wholly in body and spirit, while a married woman has earthly responsibilities to carry as well — and he says plainly he is writing it for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you, so that you can serve the Lord with as few distractions as possible (1 Corinthians 7:34-35). Singleness is a gift from God. Enjoy it. One of our close friends kept a list of everything she wanted to do and see before marriage — she still wanted to be a wife and a mom, and she also refused to put her life on pause waiting for it.

Let the pressure come off. If someone asked you out, they asked you on a date — they did not promise you a second one. Have fun getting to know each other. And if you decide you do not want to pursue something romantic, you may still want to pursue a friendship with that person.

Learn the difference between a preference and a flaw. How they load the dishes, leaving the cabinet doors open, socks all over the house, whether he opens the door for you — those are preferences. Preferences are negotiable and most of them get funnier over time. A flaw is a different category, and confusing the two will either make you walk away from a good person or stay with the wrong one.

Loneliness goes down when we stop waiting for a romantic partner to meet needs that are actually meant to be met in community. Balance is found by leaning into the body of Christ. And you can bring the real version of yourself there — it is okay for people to see your weakness and your dependence on God.

Check your “want to.” Sometimes we cannot hear God because we already decided what we were going to do and went looking for permission. If your peace is coming from the thing you already wanted, recheck where the peace is coming from. Honoring God means coming to Him with a blank map and asking Him to draw the route.

Call this the construction zone. Paul describes what real godly sorrow produces — earnestness, concern to clear yourselves, alarm, longing, zeal (2 Corinthians 7:11). That is the difference between regret and repentance. The offended spouse cannot be commanded to trust, and the offending spouse must be willing to earn it over a long period of time. You cannot demand trust. You can only demonstrate trustworthiness, and be patient.

And love is the ground it grows in. Love provides the security that actually makes change possible.

Call this the safety zone. The Pharisees asked Jesus why Moses commanded a certificate of divorce, and Jesus answered them by pointing back to God’s design and naming the narrow ground on which it is permitted (Matthew 19:7-9). God’s heart is for covenant, and God’s heart is also not that anyone stay in danger.

If there is a real possibility of reconciling with your ex, then as far as it depends on you, try. If you cannot, move slowly. You cannot build a healthy future on baggage you never dealt with, and if you move fast because you are lonely, you carry all of it straight into the next relationship.